How To Pass Time on an Aeroplane

So you've commited yourself to a long haul flight and can't see yourself sleeping for 24 hours, whatever will you do!?

There are many ways to pass time on an aeroplane. It takes planning, commitment, patience, creativity and a measure of insanity. If you're lacking in any of these areas you'll just have to imagine that you have it all (don't worry about the insanity though that will come automatically after the first hour).

First you need to be prepared for what a long haul flight entails. DISCLAIMER: the following is based entirely on my experience and therefore will be somewhat dramatised for effect. Your past or future long haul experiences may be entirely different.
DO NOT choose one of those lovely green carry-on suitcases as your travelling buddy, they weigh around 4kg which is more than half of your carry on weight allowance, you will only be able to take two books on board with you. If you have already purchased a small suitcase, kindly gift it to a friend or family member and ask them to contribute to your next carry-on baggage purchase. I suggest a super-lightweight-small backpackers bag that clips up around your waist and upper chest (ladies you need not worry, these straps are generally adjustable and can be manoeuvred to avoid that squashed and bulging look we hate so much). Make sure you also have a small travel bag for your tickets, passports, foreign money, credit cards etc. You can choose an ugly skin colour one or go for the classier black style which can also pass as a small handbag for when you arrive at your destination (I will never pass up an opportunity to purchase a new handbag!) These small travel bags are perfect for limiting paranoia, there is only one place to look for your passport or ticket so you know if its not there then its definitely lost or stolen and you will not have to rummage through your carry-on bag. (In theory this works but if you have a heightened sense of paranoia you may still panic, my suggestion is to purchase a travel bag which has 1 or two pockets).

So you're all sorted with your travel gear and you're ready to pack your bag. This is possibly the most important step in a successful long-haul experience. These precious items will be your only true companions for your entire flight and therefore need to be chosen carefully. Firstly about a month before you're due to leave, go and purchase a chapter book, one which you know you will really enjoy. Place it somewhere where you can see it for the month leading up to your flight and deny yourself the pleasure of reading it. The building desire to know what is hidden in the pages will increase your excitement for the flight as you know this will mean you can finally read you book (If you're not really into reading, I can't help you sorry). Second make sure you take a blank journal, preferably in your favourite colour but if you have been given one as a gift be respectful and use that one instead even if it's blue and not green. A four colour pen is the best companion for this journal (this is ideal for travel as it takes up less room than four pens in different colours). The latest technology is important, if you do not currently own an ipod it is about time you joined the revolution and purchased one before they are outdated by something more technologically advanced! Have someone gift you expensive earphones and an aeroplane adapter for these to enable you to listen to the on flight movies without having to use the airlines old fashioned headphones. Brothers a great for these sorts of gifts. IMPORTANT NOTE: aeroplane adapters ARE available at dick smiths. When the daft salesman tells you they do not have them in stock I suggest you dramatically make your way to the shelf and pick it up yourself (its floating around in the clear plastic boxes with all the other adapters) take it back to the daft salesman and show him that they do have it in stock, you can then ask to be served by someone who knows what they are talking about and check that you have indeed picked up the right adapter (this worked well for me), could someone please start a new chain of shops to compete with dick smiths so I can boycott them, thanks.
third: pack all of the types of medication you use, for example I had: panadol, nurofen (these can be taken together for those reaslly bad headaches), razene, sudafed, jetlag tablets, and sealegs travel sickness pills - a great tip for these: put one under your tongue and leave it there apparently my pharmacist says the blood supply under your tongue goes straight to your brain so the drowsiness will kick in quickly and send you to sleep - I have no idea if this worked for me but I did sleep.

For the girls: you need your make-up and those convenient make-up remover wipes, if you do sleep, your mascara can end up all over your face which can be rather embarrassing. It's also a great time filler to remove all your make-up and put it back on again during the flight (I did this several times, rather fun). Also I took a small bag of jewellery and changed this occasionally too, every minute you can waste counts!

I recommend highly that you take a travel pack of wet wipes, these can also be a great time waster but are also an essential for washing hands before eating and cleaning your face after eating (food on a plane is not the tidiest experience and if you're lucky like me you'll probably have turbulence at each mealtime).

Pack some quirky things to do (not knitting though boys as the needles are considered a weapon - I know its disappointing but you'll get over it) I had a pack of cards, fluro paper and inky black pens, a 1B4 book for practising my Danish and a self help book "how to win friends and influence people" by the way that is an excellent book which I highly recommend!!

Finally make sure you have a digital camera and/or video camera. Film and take pictures of anything and everything (within reason - remember to respect peoples privacy) You can see examples of my in flight photos when I up-load them in the near future.

Pack all of the above well and return things to exactly the same place in your bag each time you take it out, this limits paranoia when searching for things. Make sure you place the heavy things at the bottom to balance your load and to prevent the hunchback posture when carrying your load, this is not entirely flattering or comfortable.

When you are on-board make sure you stash your lightweight carry on pack under the seat in front of you for easy access to all your goodies. It is important that you realise this space is now yours for the duration of the flight, you paid good money for it. spread out - if you're lucky the seat next to you may be empty, quickly claim this before the person on the other side does, put your carry-on bag under their front seat and stretch out your legs!

Now the key to a good long haul flight is time wasting, luckily im an expert at this so my flight wasn't so bad. For all of you who are efficient users of time who can't stand wasting it, ha ha back at ya!!! finally my chance to shine. I'm sorry your flight will be long and boring and until you learn to waste time effectively I suggest you stay at home or get some very strong sleeping pills which instantly stop working at each airport you have to navigate.

HERE'S SOME IN FLIGHT TIPS:
1. Watch movies on AIR NZ, you have your own screen and can choose from the latest movies at your convenience. Other airlines are not so accommodating.
2. Request window seats when you first check in. Looking out the window is a great time waster. The window is also fantastic to lean on when you choose to sleep. Its also a nicer neighbour on a plane than a person.
3. wear pressure socks, they were fantastic I didn't have achy legs at all, I also didn't get deep vein thrombosis which was a bonus!
4. Take your shoes off, if you're usually a stinker, use shoe deodorant please, you may have paid highly for your seat but so did the person next to you.
5. Be friendly to the person next to you, in flight conversation is a great waste of time. and a shunned neighbour can be a mean neighbour!
6. Be considerate plan toilet trips for when others in your row are going, it is a pain to ask people to stand up for you. Go even if you don't need to at this time - if you have any conscience you will feel horrible having to wake someone up so you can relieve yourself. NOTE: when the people in front of you put their seat back it is almost impossible to get out of your seat - I have no solutions for this though it was kind of fun standing on the aeroplane seats.
7. Be firm but considerate with the person behind you, its hard to eat a meal when the seat in front of you is fully reclined however all other times you should feel free to put your seat back even if the person behind you starts kicking it when you do.
8. Remember you are an ambassador for New Zealand. Do not drink in excess, don't smoke in the toilet, don't be rude to the air hosts and hostesess and do not steal bottles of wine. (These things all happened by New Zealanders during my flight from Honk Konk to Frankfurt!) NOTE: If you are caught smoking on the plane the pilot is legally allowed to land at the nearest airport and kick you off, you are then liable for the landing fees - approx 100,000 NZ dollars. You will also be taken into police custody at the next destination (yes I did see this happen to a NZer - I told the air hostess he was an Aussie - good save huh!)
9. Don't be afraid to press the hostess button for extra water or snacks - you paid highly for the service make sure you make the most of it!!)
Finally 10. About half an hour before your flight is due to land, check you area thoroughly for all your belongings and pack them carefully back into your bag - take your time, if done right this can take your right up to the time when you have to buckle up for the landing.

Remember folks the key is to waste time. Every second wasted adds up, do everything slowly and inefficiently during your flight and you will see the time 'fly' by (he he).

until next time:

Farvel!